ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
