My hand turned me down
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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