I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
