nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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