don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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