Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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