In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
