no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
