last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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