bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
