Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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