can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
