You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
