You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
