Porn is love you can see.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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