my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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