I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize