So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
