I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
