When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
