I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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