i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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