Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
