I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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