he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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