Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
