I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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