Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
