I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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