His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Mom said you looked used
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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