Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
