i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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