I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
