So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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