I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize