dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
