i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
