She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
