My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
