turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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