guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
