you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
