Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
