If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
