I accidentally had phone sex last night
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
