ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
