i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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