I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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