So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
