rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
