Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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