You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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