It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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