Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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