in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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