I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
