I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
