I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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