so that wasnt chicken after all
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
