i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
