hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she told me i tasted like america
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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