break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
